Three years have passed and still the throbbing sensation of hurt lingers on. People say that the stages of grief are somehow scientifically proven to resemble a process with an eventual end point. What they fail to realise is the complexity of the human spirit and how this ‘process’ can be dramatically inconsistent person to person. Deep inside I know this numbness of emotion probably won’t heal and that nothing I do or say will ever make me the person I once was. Losing close friends or family is the ultimate dejection, leaving people with that unbearable feeling in the pit of the stomach of pure desperation. But for some it is more periodical, constantly nagging away at you, resurfacing when you least expect it. Looking around you feel completely disconnected with everything and everybody, constantly envious of their pain-free existence but constantly guilty of wanting to put your problems on theirs.
I lost my brother in December 2006, just before Christmas. At the time of his illness (a kind of cancer which goes everywhere) it all seemed very surreal. I myself was nearly 300 miles away at university which kind of put me on the periphery of what was going on, neither shielding me from the pain nor preparing me for the inevitable outcome. Three years on and the pain seems to reverberate around my consciousness like a dove stuck in a barn, hitting the rafters every now and then. It’s a strange situation, knowing that most of the people you know will never have to go through this, its as if bitterness has become your one true emotion knowing that for most people the worst thing they will feel will never compare to what you have been through.
Still, three years…time certainly makes a difference. For me it has lead to myriad of questions both consciously and more importantly, subconsciously. It is the latter which is taking more extracting, meaning help from unbiased professionals who don’t seem to do much other than recap and summarise, it is these things which seem to be their most valuable trait.
Grief is such a complex emotion.
